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... Who's always falling down+=-

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Empty. [20 Jan 2009|10:13pm]

I have been screwed over so much in this world. By my mom... by my family... by everybody.

If I could catch one break,

ONE BREAK. It would be wonderful. It seems like the world has it out for me and I am meant to be this
lonely person who has the worst luck in the entire world.

It seems that way.

I feel so lonely and lost right now. I feel like my world is crushed and I have nothing to live for.







 

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College Graduate. [28 Apr 2008|07:25pm]
I just graduated Summa Cum Laude with my dual BS degree in Cellular & Molecular Biology/Biochemistry.

I don't know how to feel right now... it's weird. 
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This Christmas. [19 Dec 2006|12:31pm]
Winter break has been going so great so far... mostly because I get to sleep and relax. I haven't been up until nasty hours of the morning doing homework and striving for the grades that I want, but require. There's nothing like sleeping in and feeling your blankets wrap you up in their warmth and comfort. I forgot how amazing that was. I'm spoiling myself, I know... but, I'm also going to pay for it next semester, hah.

But, I checked my grades today and it appears that I have all A's again... and what do I say to that?

YESS!!!!!!

haha. I'm proud of myself... I really am.

But, another miraculous thing has happened this year.... my mom has put up a Christmas tree. We decorated it on the day after I finished all of my final exams. She wanted it to be special. I thought that was really sweet... it was touching. I know a tree isn't a big deal to a lot of people, but it is to me... since we haven't had one in about 3 years in a row. Pretty amazing.
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[25 Nov 2006|09:07pm]
I once was a young girl,
But now I'm aged by time.
In such a complex world-
I thought you could be mine.

I wish I had an excuse,
But, I'm just simply weak-
I feel like it's no use;
I don't even try to speak.
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Thanksgiving. [22 Nov 2006|07:01pm]
Ah yes, it's the holiday season again. I feel as if I should write a journal entry because I always find myself disgusted by the holiday season. My family is so dysfunctional, that it's hard to even imagine a "real" holiday. For example, my grandfather. Now, I do have a fond memory of him telling me that I was "sorry since the day I was born" when I was 8 years old, but my mom demands that I "love" him. Yeah, I know it makes me a bad person not to love my grandpa, but he shouldn't have said that. I know that us kids are not the "favorites"... and so, we get treated pretty badly. I remember when my grandma had heart surgery... I was like 13... and we went up to Denver around the holidays and my grandpa told me and my dad that we were "not family...why are we even there"... so, that was really nice to hear. But yet again, my mom wants me to drive her to Denver to see my grandparents whom I could care less about. I know that makes me a bad person, but... I really don't have a guilty conscience. They were supposed to come down here, but I guess they couldn't make it because they don't feel well. So now, it's MY responsibility to take my mom up there. Nevermind that I planned to write a paper over the break... or that I have my own work to do... oh, the grandparents are more important to my mom. Yeah, I know they are her parents, but whatever.

Anyway, I just felt like a nice rant... so there it is.
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[20 Nov 2006|07:17pm]
They say the TEENAGERS SCARE, THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME!

So darken your clothes, or strike a violent pose,
Maybe they'll leave you alone,
But not me!

woo!
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Ahhhh... 4 weeks left. [06 Nov 2006|11:00pm]
So, there are 4 weeks left to the semester and I am feeling oh-so-exhausted. If only I could clone myself like in the movie Multiplicity. I could make my clones slave over my daily duties, while I, the master copy... is free to roam with whatever I please to do. But, alas, this master copy must be the master machine... pumping out academics.

So, I am trying SO hard for all A's this semester... I really really am. I think I might pull it off, but it's going to take some will power here at the end. These last weeks are always a struggle for me... because I just have to get my act together and I feel like I can't do that... the final push is always the worst. Ugh.
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[06 Nov 2006|10:56pm]
Little girl, dry your eyes;
There's no need to be scared.
All the little boys lie-
When you let down your hair.
I know he broke your heart,
That's no reason to stop living-
So, hold your head up high-
There's no need to be grieving.

Little girl, he let you down again;
Don't worry, my shoulder is here to support-
And if you ever need a friend-
To my loving arms, you can always retort.
He's not worth the tears,
I know you thought he was the one-
But, let me tell you something, girl-
He does not compete with the sun.

Little girl, I know that you love him;
But, love does not pay the bills.
If you understand that love can be overcome-
Then there is nothing that you cannot will.
There are some things in life-
That we will never understand-
And one of those things, strife-
Is held in the palm of our hands.
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I've got nothin [28 Oct 2006|09:34pm]
I'm so sick and TIRED of doing school work. I just feel like quitting right now and just slacking off like everybody else I know. Who else do I know... who wants to become a doctor? Nobody. Why? Because it's alot of work. I'm not even sure I want to be a doctor anymore. I feel so indifferent to it these days. I haven't even lived my life....

I'm 21. What do I have to say for myself?

I'm just ranting again... ranting to my journal because I have nobody who gives a damn to say anything to me anymore. Nobody listens... nor do they give a crap.

I have so many things my body is screaming at me... screaming from the freakin inside... and I can't express them in words. I have nothing to say in words.
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AAAAHHH! [20 Oct 2006|06:48pm]
Oh my God, where do I begin?

These past few weeks have been insane, I swear. I got my midterm grades Wednesday and I have all A's...antisocialism really does pay off in the end, kids. But then again, there are still about 6 weeks left... and I could still potentially screw everything up. hah.

I could go on, but meh... nobody reads this anyway! haha
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Bye Bye A. [12 Oct 2006|07:18pm]
So, today I took a physics test... and I'm pretty sure I bombed it. Amazing how quickly an A can slip out of your hands... blah. Why does physics have to be.... well.... physics?
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Gravity. [09 Oct 2006|07:40pm]
It's already October... and I'm in that stage where I've worked so hard that I'm already burned out... but, I have to put the fight back into me because the semester is not even half way through. I'm surprised that September went by as fast as it did, but I'm really thrilled that it did. I have found a few new friends and a few familiar faces at The Fort. I'm just reaching that point where I'm ready to graduate and find that "real world" that I've heard about for so long (hah). My job is still time consuming and taking up my weekends... but, what else would I do?

I was on a workout streak and had lost a few pounds, but a seemingly innocent strain to my calf has taken me out. I cannot accomplish plantar function. So, I'm walking around like I'm wearing a high heel on my left foot, but alas... there is no high heel. I pushed myself too hard in the quest for fitting back into my size 6 jeans. I have also been experiencing some rough headaches, but that's another story. Overall, I hope that my leg will find healing quicker than I might think. I need to get back into the gym and tone my body to the image of the Hollywood actress. I wonder if I could get MY rib cage to stick out with the look of African hunger? Alas, I am not that strong because I enjoy my food. Carbohydrates are all the rage and I am a big fan.

I have been into a health kick lately, but I have still been making my bi-weekly adventures to the world of Taco Bell. I can't say how much I enjoy running back into The Bell. I usually order a huge batch of nachos and make myself feel better by washing it down with a Diet Pepsi. Afterall, I wouldn't want those extra calories provided by our friend high fructose corn syrup. I used to be great friends with HFCS... we used to spend 44 ounces of pure pleasure together, but I have wised up since then. Those were the days when my basal metabolism seemed much more forgiving than they do now. I do realize that the word "die" is in diet for a reason, but yet, I still persist with the consumption of my diet soda. Interestingly, I have found interest in green tea beverages. Most specifically, I have found the Pom Lychee Green Tea to be in highest favor. So, I tend to mix it up between DIEt and green tea... oh, and that dihydrogen monoxide stuff, otherwise known as the 80% of our body's molecular make.

So, I managed not to toss in one ounce of emo... I think I might be growing up... sort of... hah.
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[06 Oct 2006|05:09pm]
It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath
Of this love that we've been working on

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms

We're going down
And you can see it, too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw
I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
You'll try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Cause you can't understand

We're going down
And you can see it, too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

Go cry about it, why don't you?
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room

Don't you think we oughta know by know?
Don't you think we should have learned somehow?
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Empty. [30 Sep 2006|10:23pm]
Dear God,

I'm scared that I have not done anything worth a crap with my life. I hate it that I have no close friends and that I spend most nights all alone in front of my computer. I'm tired of making school my entire life. I feel pathetic. Lord, I feel like you're the only one who listens... please, help me to be less awkward. Please Lord, don't let me be alone forever.
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[10 Sep 2006|12:12pm]
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First day blues. [28 Aug 2006|08:11pm]
My first day back at The Fort and I'm already buried up to my head in homework. I've got so much reading to do that it's pretty much insane. I now know why most people who choose my major change to a different one during senior status. Because there is so much crap to memorize and read... it's just crazy. I'm just exhausted... I forgot how hard it is to wake up that early, make that drive, go to class, make that drive back hungry and tired, but still have the obligation to come back here and do homework. I'm just drained today, I'm sure I'll get back into the patter and I'll be good though... I always do. The one thing that makes me nervous about Ft. Lewis is that there are so many people my age there... and I have never really fit into that niche. Lord, I wish I could understand these people... I really do. I just feel so old in comparison... and I feel so unworthy of their time, so to speak. Agh.

But yeah, the first day of class and I'm just really nervous and nauseous. I'll be okay though... I think. I know the nausea isn't from pregnancy, so that's a good thing, right? hah. Anyway... I've got to read this stupid book now... yay.
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First Day Jitters. [27 Aug 2006|04:35pm]
Tomorrow is my first day of school back at Fort Lewis... I always seem to get nervous and a bit scared when a new fall semester starts. All of my familiar faces are gone now because they were all a year older than me... they've all moved on and graduated. I hope I meet some new friends in my classes because it's always nice to have a familiar face around you during such boring circumstances. I'm a college senior now... I can't believe it, but yet I still want comfort.. haha. Weird. I kind of regret not going through the "full college experience". Staying on campus and what not. But, I know that I would feel out of place... for sure. But alas, I'm kind of nauseous about tomorrow... I hope it goes well... 19 credits and all. Hah.
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[24 Aug 2006|09:21pm]
We can't play this game anymore, but
Can we still be friends?
Things just can't go on like before, but
Can we still be friends?

We had something to learn
Now it's time for the wheel to turn
Things are said one by one
Before you know it's all gone

Let's admit we made a mistake, but
Can we still be friends?
Heartbreak's never easy to take, but
Can we still be friends?

It's a strange sad affair
Sometimes seems like we just don't care
Don't waste time feeling hurt
We've been through hell together

La la la la, la la la la
Can we still be friends?
Can we still get together sometime?

We awoke from our dream
Things are not always what they seem
Memories linger on
It's like a sweet sad old song
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[21 Aug 2006|09:08pm]
These things that I'm feeling deep down,
Aren't what I should be feeling.
I know you hate when I speak those words,
They're never too appealing.
I just need you to listen for once,
To hear all I have to say.
Maybe if you'd lend your ear;
I'd have such better days.

My face is so pale at night,
When I think about our fate.
And I can't believe I feel this way.
About a love that came so late.
You're always smiling 'bout something,
While I'm pouring out my heart.
And if all we are is simply nothing,
Then why don't we leave these parts?

My soul is ruined by this moment,
When reality hits my mind.
I can't think of anything but distance,
And how it seems so unkind.
There's nobody like you on Earth,
I'm sure that's why I hold on.
Because I would have no other man,
If you were gone.

I just wish you would tell me when,
You would make that journey to me.
When you would hold me again,
When you would tell me I was beautiful.
I'm holding out just for you,
Holding out for "us".
But, I'm finding it so difficult,
To believe in love.
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[08 Aug 2006|09:46pm]
Wow... it's almost time for me to go back to school again. Knowing that I'm almost all done makes me pretty apprehensive. It's the time when I'll have to face whether or not I'm smart enough to get into medical school. I'm so scared... so damn scared. But, I hope that I'll be okay. I have dedicated my entire life to reaching this goal... it's all I have ever wanted... to be a success, to have people look up to me and respect me. I fear becoming my brother and sister so much... I just don't want to that "that" kind of person.

I'm so worn down from this negative environment I'm living in...it gets old quick. My mom has tried to be more chipper of late, but my dad seems to be getting worse and worse in the attitude department. I'm afraid that I will be like him one day... or both of them, really. Too unhappy to enjoy small things in life. I try not to be that way since the small things really matter so much to me these days. My brother is still living in the basement for the 7th consecutive year. It's amazing to me how he could care less whose lives he ruins or makes miserable. Every summer he ruins our vacation plans. Because my mom doesn't trust to leave him alone here in the house, we can't go anywhere. I guess once someone is a meth using freak who will pawn anything for money... the trust sort of goes out the window. I'm still waiting for that summer-ly trip to Denver to see the rudest people I know: my grandparents. I'll have to put on the act that we are so amazingly close and every minute apart from them hurts me (just to please my mom of course... since they're her parents). It sucks only having one set of grandparents... not knowing the other pair due to the adoptive nature of my father. But hey.

I don't wanna go back to school though...ugh. I just don't wanna go back. I stress out so much... and because an academic beast. *sigh*
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